Act 1, Scene 3
Original Text
Modern Text
Enter DON JOHN andCONRAD
DON JOHN and CONRAD enter.
CONRAD
What the goodyear, my lord, why are you thus out of
measure sad?
CONRAD
Really, my lord, why are you so excessively sad?
DON JOHN
There is no measure in the occasion that breeds. Therefore
the sadness is without limit.
DON JOHN
The things that cause my sadness are without limit. Therefore my sadness is without limit.
CONRAD
You should hear reason.
CONRAD
You should listen to reason. Then you’d stop being so gloomy.
DON JOHN
And when I have heard it, what blessing brings it?
DON JOHN
And after I have sat and listened to reason, what’s my prize?
CONRAD
If not a present remedy, at least a patient sufferance.
CONRAD
If not an end to your suffering, then at least you’ll have the means to endure it patiently.
DON JOHN
I wonder that thou, being, as thou sayst thou art, born
under Saturn, goest about to apply a moral medicine to a
mortifying mischief. I cannot hide what I am. I must be sad
when I have cause and smile at no man’s jests, eat when I
have stomach and wait for no man’s leisure, sleep when I am
drowsy and tend on no man’s business, laugh when I am
merry and claw no man in his humor.
DON JOHN
I’m amazed that you—being such a moody man yourself—are moralizing about my deadly condition. I can’t hide what I am. I’ll be sad when I have reason to be sad and won’t smile at anybody’s jokes. I’ll eat when I’m hungry and won’t wait until it’s convenient. I’ll sleep when I’m tired and won’t rouse myself for anything. I’ll laugh when I’m happy and won’t flatter and fawn over anyone.
CONRAD
Yea, but you must not make the full show of this till you
may do it without controlment. You have of late stood out
against your brother, and he hath ta'en you newly into his
grace, where it is impossible you should take true root but
by the fair weather that you make yourself. It is needful that
you frame the season for your own harvest.
CONRAD
Sure, but don’t do it at full volume until there’s no danger in it. Not long ago you challenged and opposed your brother, and it is only very recently that he has forgiven you. You need to act carefully if you’re going to stay in his good graces. You have to wait for the appropriate time to let loose.
DON JOHN
I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in his grace,
and it better fits my blood to be disdained of all than to
fashion a carriage to rob love from any. In this, though I
cannot be said to be a flattering honest man, it must not be
denied but I am a plain-dealing villain. I am trusted with a
muzzle and enfranchised with a clog; therefore I have
decreed not to sing in my cage. If I had my mouth, I would
bite; if I had my liberty, I would do my liking. In the
meantime, let me be that I am, and seek not to alter me.
DON JOHN
I’d rather be a weed in a hedge than a rose in my brother’s garden. It suits me more to be hated by everyone than to put on a fancy show and trick people into loving me. Though I am not a flattering, righteous man, at least you can say that I am honest about being a villain. My brother trusts me now? Yeah—as much as a master trusts the dog he muzzles or the peasant he “frees” by chaining a big block around the man’s foot. If my mouth were unrestrained, I’d bite. If I were free, I’d do what I pleased. Until that happens, let me be who I am and don’t try to change me.
CONRAD
Can you make no use of your discontent?
CONRAD
Can’t you somehow use your dissatisfaction to your own advantage?
DON JOHN
I make all use of it, for I use it only. Who comes here?
DON JOHN
I use it all the time, since it’s all that I have. Who’s that?
Enter BORACHIO
BORACHIO enters.
What news, Borachio?
What’s going on, Borachio?
BORACHIO
I came yonder from a great supper. The Prince your
brother
is royally entertained by Leonato, and I can give you
intelligence of an intended marriage.
BORACHIO
I just came from a great feast where Leonato is entertaining the Prince, your brother. I can give you information about an intended marriage.
DON JOHN
Will it serve for any model to build mischief on? What is he
for a fool that betroths himself to unquietness?
DON JOHN
Will this give me an opportunity to make some mischief? Who is this fool who wants all the fuss of marriage?
BORACHIO
Marry, it is your brother’s right hand.
BORACHIO
Your brother’s right-hand man.
DON JOHN
Who? The most exquisite Claudio?
DON JOHN
Who? That pretty boy, Claudio?
BORACHIO
Even he.
BORACHIO
That’s the one.
DON JOHN
A proper squire. And who, and who? Which way looks he?
DON JOHN
He’s a very fancy gentleman. And who’s the girl who has caught his eye?
BORACHIO
Marry, on Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.
BORACHIO
Hero, the daughter and heir of Leonato.
DON JOHN
A very forward March-chick! How came you to this?
DON JOHN
A lively young one! How did you learn about this?
BORACHIO
Being entertained for a perfumer, as I was smoking a musty
room, comes me the Prince and Claudio, hand in hand, in
sad conference. I whipped me behind the arras, and there
heard it agreed upon that the Prince should woo Hero for
himself, and having obtained her, give her to Count
Claudio.
BORACHIO
I was hired to perfume all the rooms in Leonato’s house. As I was working on one musty room, the Prince and Claudio entered. They were in the middle of a serious conversation. I quickly hid behind a tapestry and heard them agree that the Prince would court Hero tonight at the dance and, once he won her consent to marry, would give her to Claudio.
DON JOHN
Come, come, let us thither. This may prove food to my
displeasure. That young start-up hath all the glory of my
overthrow. If I can cross him any way, I bless myself every
way. You are both sure, and will assist me?
DON JOHN
Come, let’s go to the dance. This just may cheer me up. Claudio, the young upstart, was responsible for keeping me from gaining power over my brother. If there’s any way I can spoil his life, I’ll be overjoyed. You’ll both help me, right?
CONRAD
To the death, my lord.
CONRAD
Until the day we die, my lord.
DON JOHN
Let us to the great supper. Their cheer is the greater that I
am subdued. Would the cook were o' my mind! Shall we go
prove what’s to be done?
DON JOHN
Let’s go to this great feast. They’ll be even happier now that my mood has lightened. It’s too bad the cook doesn’t think like me; she would have poisoned them all if she did. Should we go check out the scene?
BORACHIO
We’ll wait upon your lordship.
BORACHIO
Lead the way, sir.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Act 1 Scene 2
Act 1 Scene 2
Original Text
Modern Text
(Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO)
(LEONATO and ANTONIO enter.)
LEONATO: How now, brother, where is my cousin, your son? Hath he
provided this music?
LEONATO: Hey, brother. Tell me, where is my nephew, your son? Has he taken care of the music?
ANTONIO: He is very busy about it. But, brother, I can tell you strange
news that you yet dreamt not of.
ANTONIO: He is taking care of it as we speak. But brother, I have some strange news for you.
LEONATO: Are they good?
LEONATO: Is it good news?
ANTONIO: As the events stamps them, but they have a good cover;
they show well outward. The Prince and Count Claudio,
walking in a thick-pleached alley in mine orchard, were
thus much overheard by a man of mine: the Prince
discovered to Claudio that he loved my niece your daughter
and meant to acknowledge it this night in a dance, and if he
found her accordant, he meant to take the present time by
the top and instantly break with you of it.
ANTONIO: Well, it seems like good news. A servant of mine overheard the Prince and Claudio talking as they walked through my orchard. The Prince said that he is in love with Hero, your daughter, and that he is going to tell her so at the dance tonight. If he she wants to marry him, too, he’s going to find you and ask for her hand immediately.
LEONATO: Hath the fellow any wit that told you this?
LEONATO: Is this servant of yours a smart man?
ANTONIO: A good sharp fellow. I will send for him, and question him
yourself.
ANTONIO: He’s very bright. I’ll get him to come here, and you can ask him yourself.
LEONATO: No, no, we will hold it as a dream till it appear itself. But I
will acquaint my daughter withal, that she may be the
better prepared for an answer if peradventure this be true.
Go you and tell her of it.
LEONATO: No, no, until it comes true we’ll pretend it was just a dream we had. But my daughter should know about this, so she can be prepared with an answer just in case. Go to her and tell her for me.
(Enter ANTONIO ’s son, with a musician and attendants.)
(ANTONIO ’s son enters with a musician and attendants.)
Cousins, you know what you have to do.—O, I cry you
mercy, friend. Go you with me and I will use your skill.—
Good cousin, have a care this busy time.
Cousins, you all have work to do.—Oh, I beg your pardon. Come with me now, and help me out. —Dear cousin, please be careful during this busy time.
(Enter DON JOHN and CONRAD.)
(DON JOHN and CONRAD enter.)
Original Text
Modern Text
(Enter LEONATO and ANTONIO)
(LEONATO and ANTONIO enter.)
LEONATO: How now, brother, where is my cousin, your son? Hath he
provided this music?
LEONATO: Hey, brother. Tell me, where is my nephew, your son? Has he taken care of the music?
ANTONIO: He is very busy about it. But, brother, I can tell you strange
news that you yet dreamt not of.
ANTONIO: He is taking care of it as we speak. But brother, I have some strange news for you.
LEONATO: Are they good?
LEONATO: Is it good news?
ANTONIO: As the events stamps them, but they have a good cover;
they show well outward. The Prince and Count Claudio,
walking in a thick-pleached alley in mine orchard, were
thus much overheard by a man of mine: the Prince
discovered to Claudio that he loved my niece your daughter
and meant to acknowledge it this night in a dance, and if he
found her accordant, he meant to take the present time by
the top and instantly break with you of it.
ANTONIO: Well, it seems like good news. A servant of mine overheard the Prince and Claudio talking as they walked through my orchard. The Prince said that he is in love with Hero, your daughter, and that he is going to tell her so at the dance tonight. If he she wants to marry him, too, he’s going to find you and ask for her hand immediately.
LEONATO: Hath the fellow any wit that told you this?
LEONATO: Is this servant of yours a smart man?
ANTONIO: A good sharp fellow. I will send for him, and question him
yourself.
ANTONIO: He’s very bright. I’ll get him to come here, and you can ask him yourself.
LEONATO: No, no, we will hold it as a dream till it appear itself. But I
will acquaint my daughter withal, that she may be the
better prepared for an answer if peradventure this be true.
Go you and tell her of it.
LEONATO: No, no, until it comes true we’ll pretend it was just a dream we had. But my daughter should know about this, so she can be prepared with an answer just in case. Go to her and tell her for me.
(Enter ANTONIO ’s son, with a musician and attendants.)
(ANTONIO ’s son enters with a musician and attendants.)
Cousins, you know what you have to do.—O, I cry you
mercy, friend. Go you with me and I will use your skill.—
Good cousin, have a care this busy time.
Cousins, you all have work to do.—Oh, I beg your pardon. Come with me now, and help me out. —Dear cousin, please be careful during this busy time.
(Enter DON JOHN and CONRAD.)
(DON JOHN and CONRAD enter.)
Act 1 Scene 1 part 1
Act 1, Scene 1
Original Text
Modern Text
(Enter LEONATO, Governor of Messina;HERO, his daughter; and BEATRICE his niece, with a MESSENGER)
(LEONATO, Governor of Messina;HERO, his daughter; and BEATRICE, his niece, enter with a MESSENGER)
LEONATO
I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Aragon comes this
night to Messina.
LEONATO
(holding a letter) According to this letter, Don Pedro of Aragon and his army are coming to Messina tonight.
MESSENGER
He is very near by this. He was not three leagues off when
I left him.
MESSENGER
He must be very near by now. When I left him, he was less than nine miles from here.
5
LEONATO
How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
LEONATO
How many noblemen were killed in the battle you just fought?
MESSENGER
But few of any sort, and none of name.
MESSENGER
Not many, and no one important.
LEONATO
A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full
numbers. I find here that Don Pedro hath bestowed much
honor on a young Florentine called Claudio.
LEONATO
A victory in battle is twice as victorious when all the soldiers return home safely. This letter also says that Don Pedro has given honors to a young man from Florence named Claudio.
10
MESSENGER
Much deserved on his part, and equally remembered by
Don Pedro. He hath borne himself beyond the promise of
his age, doing in the figure of a lamb the feats of a lion. He
hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must
expect of me to tell you how.
MESSENGER
Claudio deserves to be honored, and Don Pedro has rewarded him accordingly. Claudio has done more than anyone would expect of a man his age. He looks like a lamb but fights like a lion. He has so greatly exceeded all expectations that I can’t even describe all he’s done.
15
LEONATO
He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of
it.
LEONATO
He has an uncle here in Messina who will be glad to hear this news.
MESSENGER
I have already delivered him letters, and there appears
much joy in him—even so much that joy could not show
itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness.
MESSENGER
I have delivered some letters to his uncle, and he seemed very happy. He got so emotional that he actually looked like he was in pain.
20
LEONATO
Did he break out into tears?
LEONATO
Did he start weeping?
MESSENGER
In great measure.
MESSENGER
Yes, heavily.
LEONATO
A kind overflow of kindness. There are no faces truer than
those that are so washed. How much better is it to weep at
joy than to joy at weeping!
LEONATO
That’s a very natural display of affection. There’s no face more sincere than one washed in tears. And it’s definitely better to cry because you’re happy than laugh because you’re sad!
25
BEATRICE
Is Signor Montanto returned from the wars or
no?
BEATRICE
Please tell me, has Signior Montanto returned from battle?
MESSENGER
I know none of that name, lady. There was none such in the
army of any sort.
MESSENGER
I don’t know anyone with that name, ma'am. There was no Signior Montanto in our army.
LEONATO
What is he that you ask for, niece?
LEONATO
Who are you talking about, niece?
30
HERO
My cousin means Signor Benedick of Padua.
HERO
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
MESSENGER
Oh, he’s returned, and as pleasant as ever he was.
MESSENGER
Oh, yes, Benedick has returned and is as cheerful as ever.
35
BEATRICE
He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at
the flight, and my uncle’s Fool, reading the challenge,
subscribed for Cupid and challenged him at the bird-bolt.
How many hath he killed and eaten in these
wars? But how many hath he killed? For indeed I promised
to eat all of his killing.
BEATRICE
Benedick once put up a public notice in Messina challenging Cupid to an archery match. My uncle’s jester accepted the contest on Cupid’s behalf but used toy arrows at the shooting match. But tell me, how many men did he kill and eat in this battle? I promised him I would eat anyone he killed.
LEONATO
Faith, niece, you tax Signor Benedick too much, but he’ll be
meet with you, I doubt it not.
LEONATO
For God’s sake, Beatrice, you’re criticizing Signior Benedick too heavily. But I’m sure he’ll get even with you.
40
MESSENGER
He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
MESSENGER
Signior Benedick served well in the war, my lady.
BEATRICE
You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it. BEATRICE
You had rotten food, and he helped you eat it. He’s a very brave eater—he has a strong stomach.
MESSENGER
And a good soldier too, lady.
MESSENGER
He’s a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE
What is he to a lord?
BEATRICE
He’s a good soldier to a lady? Well then, what is he to a lord?
45
MESSENGER
A lord to a lord, a man to a man, stuffed with all honorable
virtues.
MESSENGER
He’s a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He is positively stuffed with honorable virtues.
BEATRICE
He is no less than a stuffed man. But for the
stuffing—well, we are all mortal.
BEATRICE
Absolutely—he is stuffed, like a dummy. As for what he’s stuffed with—well, nobody’s perfect.
50
LEONATO
You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a kind of
merry war betwixt Signor Benedick and her. They never
meet but there’s a skirmish of wit between them.
LEONATO
Please don’t take my niece the wrong way, sir. Benedick and Beatrice have been waging a war of wits between themselves. Whenever they meet, there’s a little battle.
55
BEATRICE
In our last conflict four of his
five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man
governed with one, so that if he have wit enough to keep
himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between
himself and his horse, for it is all the wealth that he hath left
to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion
now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
BEATRICE
And I always win. The last time we fought, he was so dazed by the end that he wasn’t much smarter than his horse. So tell me, who is he hanging around with these days? Every month he has a new best friend.
MESSENGER
Is ’t possible?
MESSENGER
Is that possible?
BEATRICE
Very easily possible. BEATRICE
It’s entirely possible. He’s incredibly fickle—his affection changes faster than the latest fashions.
MESSENGER
I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
MESSENGER
I can see you don’t like this gentleman.
65
BEATRICE
No. An he were, I would burn my study. But I pray you,
who is his companion? BEATRICE
No, absolutely not. But please tell me, who’s his best friend? Isn’t there some new swaggering young ruffian who will happily go to hell with Benedick?
MESSENGER
He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
MESSENGER
He spends most of his time with the good, noble Claudio.
70
BEATRICE
O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease! He is sooner
caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently
mad. God help the noble Claudio! If he have caught the
Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a be cured.
BEATRICE
Oh God, Benedick will plague him like a disease! Benedick is an infection that’s easy to catch but hard to get rid of—and he’ll drive you crazy once you’ve been infected. God help Claudio! If he’s caught the Benedick, he’ll lose all his money before he’s cured.
MESSENGER
I will hold friends with you, lady.
MESSENGER
I’m going to make sure I stay on your good side, lady.
BEATRICE
Do, good friend.
BEATRICE
Do that, my friend.
LEONATO
You will never run mad, niece.
LEONATO
You will never fall victim to Benedick’s charms, my niece.
BEATRICE
No, not till a hot January.
BEATRICE
No, not until we see a hot January.
75
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is approached.
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is here.
(Enter DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon, with CLAUDIO, BENEDICK,BALTHASAR, and DON JOHN the bastard)
(DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon, enters with CLAUDIO, BENEDICK,BALTHASAR, andDON JOHN, the bastard.)
DON PEDRO
Good Signor Leonato, are you come to meet your trouble?
The fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter
it.
DON PEDRO
My dear Signior Leonato, hosting my whole army is such a huge burden, but you accept it—and me—with open arms. Most people choose to avoid trouble, but you run to it.
LEONATO
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your
Grace, for trouble being gone, comfort should remain, but
when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness
takes his leave.
LEONATO
You are never trouble to this house, your Grace. It’s comforting when trouble departs. But when you leave, you take happiness with you and leave sorrow in its place.
DON PEDRO
You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this is your
daughter.
DON PEDRO
You take up your duties too cheerfully. (turning to HERO) This must be your daughter.
85
LEONATO
Her mother hath many times told me so.
LEONATO
That’s what her mother always tells me.
BENEDICK
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?
BENEDICK
Did you doubt that she was your daughter, since you had to ask her mother?
LEONATO
Signor Benedick, no, for then were you a child.
LEONATO
(teasing) Of course not, Signior Benedick. You were only a child when my daughter was born, and not yet old enough to seduce my wife.
90
DON PEDRO
You have it full, Benedick. We may guess by this what you
are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers herself.—Be
happy, lady, for you are like an honorable father.
DON PEDRO
Ah, he got you back, Benedick! Leonato clearly knows your reputation with women. Seriously, though, the lady resembles Leonato so much that there can be no doubt about who her father is. Congratulations, lady: you resemble a most honorable man.
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking)
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking.)
BENEDICK
If Signor Leonato be her father, she would not have his
head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.
BENEDICK
Well, even if he is her father, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to have the head of the old man on her shoulders!
BEATRICE
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signor Benedick.
BEATRICE
I’m amazed you’re still talking, Signior Benedick. No one’s listening to you.
95
BENEDICK
What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?
BENEDICK
Look, it’s my dear Lady Disdain! Aren’t you dead yet?
BEATRICE
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet
food to feed it as Signor Benedick? Courtesy itself must
convert to disdain if you come in her presence.
BEATRICE
How could disdain die when you’re here? When you’re around, even Lady Courtesy becomes Lady Disdain.
100
BENEDICK
Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of
all ladies, only you excepted. And I would I could find in
my heart that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none.
BENEDICK
That makes Lady Courtesy a traitor. All ladies love me, except you. It’s too bad I’m so hard-hearted, because I really don’t love anyone.
105
BEATRICE
A dear happiness to women. I thank God and my cold
blood I am of your humor for that.
BEATRICE
Women are lucky, then. You would make a nasty suitor. Thankfully, I feel the same way you do. I have no need for romance. I would rather listen to my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear that he loves me.
BENEDICK
God keep your Ladyship still in that mind, so some gentle-
man or other shall ’scape a predestinate scratched face.
BENEDICK
Well, I hope you stay in that frame of mind or some poor man will end up with his face all scratched up.
BEATRICE
Scratching could not make it worse.
BEATRICE
If he has a face like yours, a good scratching couldn’t make him look any worse.
110
BENEDICK
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
BENEDICK
Listen to you, instructing me like a parrot would.
BEATRICE
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
BEATRICE
I’d rather be a squawking bird than an animal like you.
BENEDICK
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue and so good
a continuer. But keep your way, i' God’s name. I have done.
BENEDICK
I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth and was as tireless.
BEATRICE
You always end with a jade’s trick.
BEATRICE
You always slip out of the argument like this. I know you from before.
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward)
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward)
115
DON PEDRO
That is the sum of all, Leonato.—Signior Claudio and
Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you
all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month, and he
heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer. I dare
swear he is no hypocrite but prays from his heart.
DON PEDRO
And that’s everything, Leonato.—Claudio, Benedick—my dear friend Leonato has invited you all to stay here at Messina. I told him we’ll stay for at least a month, and he says that he hopes we’ll stay longer. I think he’s actually serious, and not just being polite.
LEONATO
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. (to DON
JOHN) Let me bid you welcome, my lord. Being reconciled
to the Prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
LEONATO
I am being serious, my lord. (to DON JOHN) I welcome you here as well. Now that you and your brother have made friends again, I owe you the same allegiance I owe Don Pedro.
DON JOHN
I thank you. I am not of many words, but I thank you.
DON JOHN
Thank you. I’m not a man who talks a lot, but I thank you.
LEONATO
Please it your Grace lead on?
LEONATO
If it pleases you, your highness, will you lead us all inside?
125
DON PEDRO
Your hand, Leonato. We will go together.
DON PEDRO
Give me your hand, Leonato. We will go in together.
Exeunt. Manent BENEDICK andCLAUDIO
Everyone exits except BENEDICK andCLAUDIO.
CLAUDIO
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?
CLAUDIO
Benedick, did you notice Signior Leonato’s daughter?
BENEDICK
I noted her not, but I looked on her.
BENEDICK
I saw her, but I didn’t notice her.
CLAUDIO
Is she not a modest young lady?
CLAUDIO
Isn’t she a well-mannered young lady?
130
BENEDICK
Do you question me as an honest man should do, for my
simple true judgment? Or would you have me speak after
my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
BENEDICK
Do you want my true opinion? Or do you want me to criticize her like I do all women?
CLAUDIO
No, I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
CLAUDIO
No, please, speak seriously.
135
BENEDICK
Why, i' faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too
brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise. Only
this commendation I can afford her, that were she other
than she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other but
as she is, I do not like her.
BENEDICK
Well, it seems to me that she is too short to be praised highly, too dark to be praised fairly, and too small to be praised greatly. I can only say this about her: if she looked different than she does, she would be ugly, and since she can’t be anything but herself, I don’t like her.
CLAUDIO
Thou thinkest I am in sport. I pray thee tell me truly how
thou lik’st her.
CLAUDIO
You think I’m kidding. Please tell me seriously what you think of her.
BENEDICK
Would you buy her, that you enquire after her?
BENEDICK
Are you thinking of buying her? Is that why you’re asking?
CLAUDIO
Can the world buy such a jewel?
CLAUDIO
Would it even be possible to buy a jewel as rare and precious as Hero?
145
BENEDICK
Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this with a sad
brow? Or do you play the flouting jack, to tell us Cupid is
a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter? Come, in
what key shall a man take you to go in the song?
BENEDICK
Yes, and you could buy a case to put it in, too. But tell me, are you speaking seriously? Or are you just teasing? If I’m going to sing along with you, I need to know what key you’re singing in.
CLAUDIO
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.
CLAUDIO
I think she’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
150
BENEDICK
I can see yet without spectacles, and I see no such matter.
There’s her cousin, an she were not possessed with a fury,
exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the
last of December. But I hope you have no intent to turn
husband, have you?
BENEDICK
I’m still young enough to see without glasses, and I don’t see what you’re talking about. If her cousin Beatrice didn’t have such a nasty temper, she’d be so much more beautiful than Hero that it would be like comparing May to December. But, hey, this doesn’t mean you’re looking to get married, does it?
CLAUDIO
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the
contrary, if Hero would be my wife.
CLAUDIO
Even if I had sworn never to marry, I wouldn’t trust myself to keep that promise if Hero would marry me.
155
BENEDICK
Is ’t come to this? In faith, hath not the world one man but
he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a
bachelor of three-score again? Go to, i' faith, an thou wilt
needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it, and
sigh away Sundays. Look, Don Pedro is returned to seek
you.
BENEDICK
What’s going on these days? Isn’t there one man left in the world who knows not to take a wife? She’s just going to cheat on him. Will I never see a sixty-year old bachelor again or will all men be swindled into marriage while they’re young? Go ahead, then, if you have to yoke yourself to marriage, like an ox carrying his load, and throw away your free time. Look, Don Pedro has come back for you.
Enter DON PEDRO
DON PEDRO enters.
DON PEDRO
What secret hath held you here that you followed not to
Leonato’s?
DON PEDRO
What secrets between you have kept you from following us to Leonato’s?
BENEDICK
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
BENEDICK
Your highness will have to force me to tell.
DON PEDRO
I charge thee on thy allegiance.
DON PEDRO
Your loyalty to me requires you to tell me what you’ve been talking about.
165
BENEDICK
You hear, Count Claudio? I can be secret as a dumb man, I
would have you think so, but on my allegiance—mark you
this, on my allegiance—(to DON PEDRO) he is in love. With
who? Now, that is your Grace’s part. Mark how short his
answer is: with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
BENEDICK
Look, Claudio, I can keep secrets like a mute; I want you to know that. But I owe Don Pedro my allegiance—look, I have to tell him—(to DON PEDRO) Claudio is in love. With whom? That’s what you’re supposed to ask me next, your Grace. Look how short the answer is—with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
CLAUDIO
If this were so, so were it uttered.
CLAUDIO
If you say so.
170
BENEDICK
Like the old tale, my lord: “It is not so nor ’twas not so but,
indeed, God forbid it should be so.”
BENEDICK
Listen to him deny it, like that man in the old tale “Mr. Fox”: “It isn’t true and wasn’t true and God forbid it should be so.”
CLAUDIO
If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it should be
otherwise.
CLAUDIO
Unless my feelings change very soon, I have to admit it’s true.
DON PEDRO
Amen, if you love her, for the lady is very well worthy.
DON PEDRO
It’s good if you love Hero, because she’s worthy of your love.
175
CLAUDIO
You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
CLAUDIO
You’re trying to trick me, my lord.
DON PEDRO
By my troth, I speak my thought.
DON PEDRO
I swear, I’m telling you what I honestly think.
CLAUDIO
And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.
CLAUDIO
And I swear I spoke honestly to Benedick—I am in love with Hero.
BENEDICK
And by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.
BENEDICK
And I swear all up and down I spoke honestly when I said that this was a horrible idea.
CLAUDIO
That I love her, I feel.
CLAUDIO
I feel that I love her.
180
DON PEDRO
That she is worthy, I know.
DON PEDRO
I know that she is worthy of that love.
BENEDICK
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how
she should be worthy is the opinion that fire cannot melt
out
of me. I will die in it at the stake.
BENEDICK
I, on the other hand, don’t feel how she could be loved and don’t know how she could be worthy. Even fire can’t melt that opinion out of me. You could burn me at the stake, and I’d still think this.
185
DON PEDRO
Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.
DON PEDRO
You never did believe in the power of beauty.
CLAUDIO
And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will.
CLAUDIO
Or in the power of reason.
190
BENEDICK
That a woman conceived me, I thank her. That she brought
me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks. But that I
will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle
in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me.
Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will
do myself the right to trust none. And the fine is, for the
which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
BENEDICK
I was conceived by a woman, and I thank her very much for all her effort. And then she brought me up, and I thank her for that, too. But all the other women will have to forgive me for not being willing to be made a fool of—cheated on by a wife. I don’t want to insult any particular woman by doubting and mistrusting her, so I’ll just avoid them all. And the conclusion of this is that I’ll live as a bachelor—and, with the money I save, dress better.
DON PEDRO
I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
DON PEDRO
I swear, before I die I’m going to see you sick with love.
195
BENEDICK
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not
with love. Prove that ever I lose more blood with love than
I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a
ballad-maker’s pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel
house for the sign of blind Cupid.
BENEDICK
With anger, with fever, or with hunger, sure, my friend, but never sick with love. If you can prove that I’ll ever be so in love that I can’t be brought to my senses with a good round of beers, you can pluck out my eyes with a love-poet’s pen and hang me on a brothel’s door where the picture of blind Cupid usually goes.
DON PEDRO
Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou wilt prove
a notable argument.
DON PEDRO
I’ll be sure to remember this fuss you’ve made, in case you ever do fall in love. That’ll be news.
BENEDICK
If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me, and he
that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder and called
Adam.
BENEDICK
If I ever change my mind, you can use me for target practice. And whoever hits the bull’s eye gets to be a hero.
205
DON PEDRO
Well, as time shall try.
In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.
DON PEDRO
Well, time will tell. Even the most savage bull is eventually domesticated.
210
BENEDICK
The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear
it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my forehead,
and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they
write “Here is good horse to hire” let them signify under my
sign “Here you may see Benedick the married man.”
BENEDICK
Maybe the bull is, but if I am ever domesticated, you can take that bull’s horns and put them right on my forehead, as my wife is sure to cuckold me soon enough. You might as well hang a big sign with enormous lettering around my neck. But instead of it saying “Horse for hire,” it will say “Take a look at Benedick, the married man.”
CLAUDIO
If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.
CLAUDIO
If that ever happened, you’d go absolutely mad.
DON PEDRO
Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice, thou
wilt quake for this shortly.
DON PEDRO
Well, if Cupid hasn’t used up all his arrows in Venice, where the courtesans are famous for making men lovesick, he’ll get you to quiver and shake. Just you wait.
215
BENEDICK
I look for an earthquake too, then.
BENEDICK
That’s about as likely as an earthquake.
DON PEDRO
Well, you temporize with the hours. In the meantime, good
Signior Benedick, repair to Leonato’s. Commend me to
him and tell him I will not fail him at supper, for indeed he
hath made great preparation.
DON PEDRO
Oh, you’ll soften as time passes. While you’re waiting for that to happen, though, hurry to Leonato’s. Give him my respects, and tell him I’ll definitely be there for dinner, since I know he has gone to great lengths for this meal.
220
BENEDICK
I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage,
and so I commit you—
BENEDICK
I think I can handle this mission. And so I commit you—
CLAUDIO
To the tuition of God. From my house, if I had it—
CLAUDIO
“Into God’s hands. From my house, if I had a house—”
DON PEDRO
The sixth of July. Your loving friend, Benedick.
DON PEDRO
“The sixth of July. Sincerely, your loving friend, Benedick.”
225
BENEDICK
Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your discourse is
sometimes guarded with fragments and the guards are but
slightly basted on neither. Ere you flout old ends any
further, examine your conscience. And so I leave you.
BENEDICK
Oh, stop joking around. You know, sometimes you two dress up your conversation with flimsy little bits of wit that don’t hold together too well. Before you make fun of everyone else, look at yourselves in the mirror! And with that, I’m leaving.
Exit
He exits.
CLAUDIO
My liege, your highness now may do me good.
CLAUDIO
My lord, you could really help me out now.
230
DON PEDRO
My love is thine to teach. Teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
DON PEDRO
I am at your service. Just tell me what you want me to do, and however hard it is, you’ll see that I’m eager to do it.
CLAUDIO
Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
CLAUDIO
Does Leonato have a son, my lord?
DON PEDRO
No child but Hero; she’s his only heir.
Dost thou affect her, Claudio?
DON PEDRO
Hero is his only child, and his only heir. Do you like her, Claudio?
235240
CLAUDIO
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I looked upon her with a soldier’s eye,
That liked but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love.
But now I am returned and that war thoughts
Have left their places vacant, in their rooms
Come thronging soft and delicate desires,
All prompting me how fair young Hero is,
Saying I liked her ere I went to wars.
CLAUDIO
Oh, my lord, when we left Messina to fight the war, I looked at Hero with the eyes of a soldier. I liked what I saw, but my mind was so occupied with the rough, violent task ahead of me that there was no chance that like would turn intolove. But now that I’m back, the room in my head that I used to fill with war plans has become crowded with soft and delicate feelings. They all lead me to the same thought—how beautiful young Hero is and how I must have liked her even before I left to fight.
DON PEDRO
Thou wilt be like a lover presently
And tire the hearer with a book of words.
If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,
And I will break with her and with her father,
And thou shalt have her. Was ’t not to this end
That thou began’st to twist so fine a story?
DON PEDRO
You will become a true lover soon, and exhaust your friends with your endless chatter about your feelings. Look, if you really love the beautiful Hero, enjoy it. I will speak to her and her father about the matter, and I’ll convince Leonato to promise Hero to you. Isn’t that the reason you told me all this?
250
CLAUDIO
How sweetly you do minister to love,
That know love’s grief by his complexion!
But lest my liking might too sudden seem,
I would have salved it with a longer treatise.
CLAUDIO
You can see that I’m sick with love, and you’re taking care of me in just the right way! But I didn’t want you to think that I’m hasty in my emotions. I was going to explain my feelings with a longer story.
255260265
DON PEDRO
What need the bridge much broader than the flood?
The fairest grant is the necessity.
Look what will serve is fit. 'Tis once, thou lovest,
And I will fit thee with the remedy.
I know we shall have reveling tonight.
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio,
And in her bosom I’ll unclasp my heart
And take her hearing prisoner with the force
And strong encounter of my amorous tale.
Then after to her father will I break,
And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.
In practice let us put it presently.
DON PEDRO
Why speak longer than you have to? That’s like building a bridge wider than the river it crosses. Whatever gets the job done is best. You love Hero; that’s all I need to know to want to find a remedy. They’re going to have a costume party with dancing tonight. I’ll disguise myself as you and pour out “my” feelings to Hero, taking her prisoner with the force of my love story. Then I’ll talk to her father. And in the end, she’s yours! Let’s get started right away.
Exeunt
They exit.
Original Text
Modern Text
(Enter LEONATO, Governor of Messina;HERO, his daughter; and BEATRICE his niece, with a MESSENGER)
(LEONATO, Governor of Messina;HERO, his daughter; and BEATRICE, his niece, enter with a MESSENGER)
LEONATO
I learn in this letter that Don Pedro of Aragon comes this
night to Messina.
LEONATO
(holding a letter) According to this letter, Don Pedro of Aragon and his army are coming to Messina tonight.
MESSENGER
He is very near by this. He was not three leagues off when
I left him.
MESSENGER
He must be very near by now. When I left him, he was less than nine miles from here.
5
LEONATO
How many gentlemen have you lost in this action?
LEONATO
How many noblemen were killed in the battle you just fought?
MESSENGER
But few of any sort, and none of name.
MESSENGER
Not many, and no one important.
LEONATO
A victory is twice itself when the achiever brings home full
numbers. I find here that Don Pedro hath bestowed much
honor on a young Florentine called Claudio.
LEONATO
A victory in battle is twice as victorious when all the soldiers return home safely. This letter also says that Don Pedro has given honors to a young man from Florence named Claudio.
10
MESSENGER
Much deserved on his part, and equally remembered by
Don Pedro. He hath borne himself beyond the promise of
his age, doing in the figure of a lamb the feats of a lion. He
hath indeed better bettered expectation than you must
expect of me to tell you how.
MESSENGER
Claudio deserves to be honored, and Don Pedro has rewarded him accordingly. Claudio has done more than anyone would expect of a man his age. He looks like a lamb but fights like a lion. He has so greatly exceeded all expectations that I can’t even describe all he’s done.
15
LEONATO
He hath an uncle here in Messina will be very much glad of
it.
LEONATO
He has an uncle here in Messina who will be glad to hear this news.
MESSENGER
I have already delivered him letters, and there appears
much joy in him—even so much that joy could not show
itself modest enough without a badge of bitterness.
MESSENGER
I have delivered some letters to his uncle, and he seemed very happy. He got so emotional that he actually looked like he was in pain.
20
LEONATO
Did he break out into tears?
LEONATO
Did he start weeping?
MESSENGER
In great measure.
MESSENGER
Yes, heavily.
LEONATO
A kind overflow of kindness. There are no faces truer than
those that are so washed. How much better is it to weep at
joy than to joy at weeping!
LEONATO
That’s a very natural display of affection. There’s no face more sincere than one washed in tears. And it’s definitely better to cry because you’re happy than laugh because you’re sad!
25
BEATRICE
Is Signor Montanto returned from the wars or
no?
BEATRICE
Please tell me, has Signior Montanto returned from battle?
MESSENGER
I know none of that name, lady. There was none such in the
army of any sort.
MESSENGER
I don’t know anyone with that name, ma'am. There was no Signior Montanto in our army.
LEONATO
What is he that you ask for, niece?
LEONATO
Who are you talking about, niece?
30
HERO
My cousin means Signor Benedick of Padua.
HERO
My cousin means Signior Benedick of Padua.
MESSENGER
Oh, he’s returned, and as pleasant as ever he was.
MESSENGER
Oh, yes, Benedick has returned and is as cheerful as ever.
35
BEATRICE
He set up his bills here in Messina and challenged Cupid at
the flight, and my uncle’s Fool, reading the challenge,
subscribed for Cupid and challenged him at the bird-bolt.
How many hath he killed and eaten in these
wars? But how many hath he killed? For indeed I promised
to eat all of his killing.
BEATRICE
Benedick once put up a public notice in Messina challenging Cupid to an archery match. My uncle’s jester accepted the contest on Cupid’s behalf but used toy arrows at the shooting match. But tell me, how many men did he kill and eat in this battle? I promised him I would eat anyone he killed.
LEONATO
Faith, niece, you tax Signor Benedick too much, but he’ll be
meet with you, I doubt it not.
LEONATO
For God’s sake, Beatrice, you’re criticizing Signior Benedick too heavily. But I’m sure he’ll get even with you.
40
MESSENGER
He hath done good service, lady, in these wars.
MESSENGER
Signior Benedick served well in the war, my lady.
BEATRICE
You had musty victual, and he hath holp to eat it. BEATRICE
You had rotten food, and he helped you eat it. He’s a very brave eater—he has a strong stomach.
MESSENGER
And a good soldier too, lady.
MESSENGER
He’s a good soldier too, lady.
BEATRICE
What is he to a lord?
BEATRICE
He’s a good soldier to a lady? Well then, what is he to a lord?
45
MESSENGER
A lord to a lord, a man to a man, stuffed with all honorable
virtues.
MESSENGER
He’s a lord to a lord and a man to a man. He is positively stuffed with honorable virtues.
BEATRICE
He is no less than a stuffed man. But for the
stuffing—well, we are all mortal.
BEATRICE
Absolutely—he is stuffed, like a dummy. As for what he’s stuffed with—well, nobody’s perfect.
50
LEONATO
You must not, sir, mistake my niece. There is a kind of
merry war betwixt Signor Benedick and her. They never
meet but there’s a skirmish of wit between them.
LEONATO
Please don’t take my niece the wrong way, sir. Benedick and Beatrice have been waging a war of wits between themselves. Whenever they meet, there’s a little battle.
55
BEATRICE
In our last conflict four of his
five wits went halting off, and now is the whole man
governed with one, so that if he have wit enough to keep
himself warm, let him bear it for a difference between
himself and his horse, for it is all the wealth that he hath left
to be known a reasonable creature. Who is his companion
now? He hath every month a new sworn brother.
BEATRICE
And I always win. The last time we fought, he was so dazed by the end that he wasn’t much smarter than his horse. So tell me, who is he hanging around with these days? Every month he has a new best friend.
MESSENGER
Is ’t possible?
MESSENGER
Is that possible?
BEATRICE
Very easily possible. BEATRICE
It’s entirely possible. He’s incredibly fickle—his affection changes faster than the latest fashions.
MESSENGER
I see, lady, the gentleman is not in your books.
MESSENGER
I can see you don’t like this gentleman.
65
BEATRICE
No. An he were, I would burn my study. But I pray you,
who is his companion? BEATRICE
No, absolutely not. But please tell me, who’s his best friend? Isn’t there some new swaggering young ruffian who will happily go to hell with Benedick?
MESSENGER
He is most in the company of the right noble Claudio.
MESSENGER
He spends most of his time with the good, noble Claudio.
70
BEATRICE
O Lord, he will hang upon him like a disease! He is sooner
caught than the pestilence, and the taker runs presently
mad. God help the noble Claudio! If he have caught the
Benedick, it will cost him a thousand pound ere a be cured.
BEATRICE
Oh God, Benedick will plague him like a disease! Benedick is an infection that’s easy to catch but hard to get rid of—and he’ll drive you crazy once you’ve been infected. God help Claudio! If he’s caught the Benedick, he’ll lose all his money before he’s cured.
MESSENGER
I will hold friends with you, lady.
MESSENGER
I’m going to make sure I stay on your good side, lady.
BEATRICE
Do, good friend.
BEATRICE
Do that, my friend.
LEONATO
You will never run mad, niece.
LEONATO
You will never fall victim to Benedick’s charms, my niece.
BEATRICE
No, not till a hot January.
BEATRICE
No, not until we see a hot January.
75
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is approached.
MESSENGER
Don Pedro is here.
(Enter DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon, with CLAUDIO, BENEDICK,BALTHASAR, and DON JOHN the bastard)
(DON PEDRO, Prince of Aragon, enters with CLAUDIO, BENEDICK,BALTHASAR, andDON JOHN, the bastard.)
DON PEDRO
Good Signor Leonato, are you come to meet your trouble?
The fashion of the world is to avoid cost, and you encounter
it.
DON PEDRO
My dear Signior Leonato, hosting my whole army is such a huge burden, but you accept it—and me—with open arms. Most people choose to avoid trouble, but you run to it.
LEONATO
Never came trouble to my house in the likeness of your
Grace, for trouble being gone, comfort should remain, but
when you depart from me, sorrow abides and happiness
takes his leave.
LEONATO
You are never trouble to this house, your Grace. It’s comforting when trouble departs. But when you leave, you take happiness with you and leave sorrow in its place.
DON PEDRO
You embrace your charge too willingly. I think this is your
daughter.
DON PEDRO
You take up your duties too cheerfully. (turning to HERO) This must be your daughter.
85
LEONATO
Her mother hath many times told me so.
LEONATO
That’s what her mother always tells me.
BENEDICK
Were you in doubt, sir, that you asked her?
BENEDICK
Did you doubt that she was your daughter, since you had to ask her mother?
LEONATO
Signor Benedick, no, for then were you a child.
LEONATO
(teasing) Of course not, Signior Benedick. You were only a child when my daughter was born, and not yet old enough to seduce my wife.
90
DON PEDRO
You have it full, Benedick. We may guess by this what you
are, being a man. Truly, the lady fathers herself.—Be
happy, lady, for you are like an honorable father.
DON PEDRO
Ah, he got you back, Benedick! Leonato clearly knows your reputation with women. Seriously, though, the lady resembles Leonato so much that there can be no doubt about who her father is. Congratulations, lady: you resemble a most honorable man.
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking)
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO move to one side, still talking.)
BENEDICK
If Signor Leonato be her father, she would not have his
head on her shoulders for all Messina, as like him as she is.
BENEDICK
Well, even if he is her father, I’m sure she wouldn’t want to have the head of the old man on her shoulders!
BEATRICE
I wonder that you will still be talking, Signor Benedick.
BEATRICE
I’m amazed you’re still talking, Signior Benedick. No one’s listening to you.
95
BENEDICK
What, my dear Lady Disdain! Are you yet living?
BENEDICK
Look, it’s my dear Lady Disdain! Aren’t you dead yet?
BEATRICE
Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet
food to feed it as Signor Benedick? Courtesy itself must
convert to disdain if you come in her presence.
BEATRICE
How could disdain die when you’re here? When you’re around, even Lady Courtesy becomes Lady Disdain.
100
BENEDICK
Then is courtesy a turncoat. But it is certain I am loved of
all ladies, only you excepted. And I would I could find in
my heart that I had not a hard heart, for truly I love none.
BENEDICK
That makes Lady Courtesy a traitor. All ladies love me, except you. It’s too bad I’m so hard-hearted, because I really don’t love anyone.
105
BEATRICE
A dear happiness to women. I thank God and my cold
blood I am of your humor for that.
BEATRICE
Women are lucky, then. You would make a nasty suitor. Thankfully, I feel the same way you do. I have no need for romance. I would rather listen to my dog bark at a crow than hear a man swear that he loves me.
BENEDICK
God keep your Ladyship still in that mind, so some gentle-
man or other shall ’scape a predestinate scratched face.
BENEDICK
Well, I hope you stay in that frame of mind or some poor man will end up with his face all scratched up.
BEATRICE
Scratching could not make it worse.
BEATRICE
If he has a face like yours, a good scratching couldn’t make him look any worse.
110
BENEDICK
Well, you are a rare parrot-teacher.
BENEDICK
Listen to you, instructing me like a parrot would.
BEATRICE
A bird of my tongue is better than a beast of yours.
BEATRICE
I’d rather be a squawking bird than an animal like you.
BENEDICK
I would my horse had the speed of your tongue and so good
a continuer. But keep your way, i' God’s name. I have done.
BENEDICK
I wish my horse moved as fast as your mouth and was as tireless.
BEATRICE
You always end with a jade’s trick.
BEATRICE
You always slip out of the argument like this. I know you from before.
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward)
(LEONATO and DON PEDRO come forward)
115
DON PEDRO
That is the sum of all, Leonato.—Signior Claudio and
Signior Benedick, my dear friend Leonato hath invited you
all. I tell him we shall stay here at the least a month, and he
heartily prays some occasion may detain us longer. I dare
swear he is no hypocrite but prays from his heart.
DON PEDRO
And that’s everything, Leonato.—Claudio, Benedick—my dear friend Leonato has invited you all to stay here at Messina. I told him we’ll stay for at least a month, and he says that he hopes we’ll stay longer. I think he’s actually serious, and not just being polite.
LEONATO
If you swear, my lord, you shall not be forsworn. (to DON
JOHN) Let me bid you welcome, my lord. Being reconciled
to the Prince your brother, I owe you all duty.
LEONATO
I am being serious, my lord. (to DON JOHN) I welcome you here as well. Now that you and your brother have made friends again, I owe you the same allegiance I owe Don Pedro.
DON JOHN
I thank you. I am not of many words, but I thank you.
DON JOHN
Thank you. I’m not a man who talks a lot, but I thank you.
LEONATO
Please it your Grace lead on?
LEONATO
If it pleases you, your highness, will you lead us all inside?
125
DON PEDRO
Your hand, Leonato. We will go together.
DON PEDRO
Give me your hand, Leonato. We will go in together.
Exeunt. Manent BENEDICK andCLAUDIO
Everyone exits except BENEDICK andCLAUDIO.
CLAUDIO
Benedick, didst thou note the daughter of Signior Leonato?
CLAUDIO
Benedick, did you notice Signior Leonato’s daughter?
BENEDICK
I noted her not, but I looked on her.
BENEDICK
I saw her, but I didn’t notice her.
CLAUDIO
Is she not a modest young lady?
CLAUDIO
Isn’t she a well-mannered young lady?
130
BENEDICK
Do you question me as an honest man should do, for my
simple true judgment? Or would you have me speak after
my custom, as being a professed tyrant to their sex?
BENEDICK
Do you want my true opinion? Or do you want me to criticize her like I do all women?
CLAUDIO
No, I pray thee speak in sober judgment.
CLAUDIO
No, please, speak seriously.
135
BENEDICK
Why, i' faith, methinks she’s too low for a high praise, too
brown for a fair praise, and too little for a great praise. Only
this commendation I can afford her, that were she other
than she is, she were unhandsome, and being no other but
as she is, I do not like her.
BENEDICK
Well, it seems to me that she is too short to be praised highly, too dark to be praised fairly, and too small to be praised greatly. I can only say this about her: if she looked different than she does, she would be ugly, and since she can’t be anything but herself, I don’t like her.
CLAUDIO
Thou thinkest I am in sport. I pray thee tell me truly how
thou lik’st her.
CLAUDIO
You think I’m kidding. Please tell me seriously what you think of her.
BENEDICK
Would you buy her, that you enquire after her?
BENEDICK
Are you thinking of buying her? Is that why you’re asking?
CLAUDIO
Can the world buy such a jewel?
CLAUDIO
Would it even be possible to buy a jewel as rare and precious as Hero?
145
BENEDICK
Yea, and a case to put it into. But speak you this with a sad
brow? Or do you play the flouting jack, to tell us Cupid is
a good hare-finder and Vulcan a rare carpenter? Come, in
what key shall a man take you to go in the song?
BENEDICK
Yes, and you could buy a case to put it in, too. But tell me, are you speaking seriously? Or are you just teasing? If I’m going to sing along with you, I need to know what key you’re singing in.
CLAUDIO
In mine eye she is the sweetest lady that ever I looked on.
CLAUDIO
I think she’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.
150
BENEDICK
I can see yet without spectacles, and I see no such matter.
There’s her cousin, an she were not possessed with a fury,
exceeds her as much in beauty as the first of May doth the
last of December. But I hope you have no intent to turn
husband, have you?
BENEDICK
I’m still young enough to see without glasses, and I don’t see what you’re talking about. If her cousin Beatrice didn’t have such a nasty temper, she’d be so much more beautiful than Hero that it would be like comparing May to December. But, hey, this doesn’t mean you’re looking to get married, does it?
CLAUDIO
I would scarce trust myself, though I had sworn the
contrary, if Hero would be my wife.
CLAUDIO
Even if I had sworn never to marry, I wouldn’t trust myself to keep that promise if Hero would marry me.
155
BENEDICK
Is ’t come to this? In faith, hath not the world one man but
he will wear his cap with suspicion? Shall I never see a
bachelor of three-score again? Go to, i' faith, an thou wilt
needs thrust thy neck into a yoke, wear the print of it, and
sigh away Sundays. Look, Don Pedro is returned to seek
you.
BENEDICK
What’s going on these days? Isn’t there one man left in the world who knows not to take a wife? She’s just going to cheat on him. Will I never see a sixty-year old bachelor again or will all men be swindled into marriage while they’re young? Go ahead, then, if you have to yoke yourself to marriage, like an ox carrying his load, and throw away your free time. Look, Don Pedro has come back for you.
Enter DON PEDRO
DON PEDRO enters.
DON PEDRO
What secret hath held you here that you followed not to
Leonato’s?
DON PEDRO
What secrets between you have kept you from following us to Leonato’s?
BENEDICK
I would your grace would constrain me to tell.
BENEDICK
Your highness will have to force me to tell.
DON PEDRO
I charge thee on thy allegiance.
DON PEDRO
Your loyalty to me requires you to tell me what you’ve been talking about.
165
BENEDICK
You hear, Count Claudio? I can be secret as a dumb man, I
would have you think so, but on my allegiance—mark you
this, on my allegiance—(to DON PEDRO) he is in love. With
who? Now, that is your Grace’s part. Mark how short his
answer is: with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
BENEDICK
Look, Claudio, I can keep secrets like a mute; I want you to know that. But I owe Don Pedro my allegiance—look, I have to tell him—(to DON PEDRO) Claudio is in love. With whom? That’s what you’re supposed to ask me next, your Grace. Look how short the answer is—with Hero, Leonato’s short daughter.
CLAUDIO
If this were so, so were it uttered.
CLAUDIO
If you say so.
170
BENEDICK
Like the old tale, my lord: “It is not so nor ’twas not so but,
indeed, God forbid it should be so.”
BENEDICK
Listen to him deny it, like that man in the old tale “Mr. Fox”: “It isn’t true and wasn’t true and God forbid it should be so.”
CLAUDIO
If my passion change not shortly, God forbid it should be
otherwise.
CLAUDIO
Unless my feelings change very soon, I have to admit it’s true.
DON PEDRO
Amen, if you love her, for the lady is very well worthy.
DON PEDRO
It’s good if you love Hero, because she’s worthy of your love.
175
CLAUDIO
You speak this to fetch me in, my lord.
CLAUDIO
You’re trying to trick me, my lord.
DON PEDRO
By my troth, I speak my thought.
DON PEDRO
I swear, I’m telling you what I honestly think.
CLAUDIO
And, in faith, my lord, I spoke mine.
CLAUDIO
And I swear I spoke honestly to Benedick—I am in love with Hero.
BENEDICK
And by my two faiths and troths, my lord, I spoke mine.
BENEDICK
And I swear all up and down I spoke honestly when I said that this was a horrible idea.
CLAUDIO
That I love her, I feel.
CLAUDIO
I feel that I love her.
180
DON PEDRO
That she is worthy, I know.
DON PEDRO
I know that she is worthy of that love.
BENEDICK
That I neither feel how she should be loved nor know how
she should be worthy is the opinion that fire cannot melt
out
of me. I will die in it at the stake.
BENEDICK
I, on the other hand, don’t feel how she could be loved and don’t know how she could be worthy. Even fire can’t melt that opinion out of me. You could burn me at the stake, and I’d still think this.
185
DON PEDRO
Thou wast ever an obstinate heretic in the despite of beauty.
DON PEDRO
You never did believe in the power of beauty.
CLAUDIO
And never could maintain his part but in the force of his will.
CLAUDIO
Or in the power of reason.
190
BENEDICK
That a woman conceived me, I thank her. That she brought
me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks. But that I
will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle
in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me.
Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will
do myself the right to trust none. And the fine is, for the
which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.
BENEDICK
I was conceived by a woman, and I thank her very much for all her effort. And then she brought me up, and I thank her for that, too. But all the other women will have to forgive me for not being willing to be made a fool of—cheated on by a wife. I don’t want to insult any particular woman by doubting and mistrusting her, so I’ll just avoid them all. And the conclusion of this is that I’ll live as a bachelor—and, with the money I save, dress better.
DON PEDRO
I shall see thee, ere I die, look pale with love.
DON PEDRO
I swear, before I die I’m going to see you sick with love.
195
BENEDICK
With anger, with sickness, or with hunger, my lord, not
with love. Prove that ever I lose more blood with love than
I will get again with drinking, pick out mine eyes with a
ballad-maker’s pen and hang me up at the door of a brothel
house for the sign of blind Cupid.
BENEDICK
With anger, with fever, or with hunger, sure, my friend, but never sick with love. If you can prove that I’ll ever be so in love that I can’t be brought to my senses with a good round of beers, you can pluck out my eyes with a love-poet’s pen and hang me on a brothel’s door where the picture of blind Cupid usually goes.
DON PEDRO
Well, if ever thou dost fall from this faith, thou wilt prove
a notable argument.
DON PEDRO
I’ll be sure to remember this fuss you’ve made, in case you ever do fall in love. That’ll be news.
BENEDICK
If I do, hang me in a bottle like a cat and shoot at me, and he
that hits me, let him be clapped on the shoulder and called
Adam.
BENEDICK
If I ever change my mind, you can use me for target practice. And whoever hits the bull’s eye gets to be a hero.
205
DON PEDRO
Well, as time shall try.
In time the savage bull doth bear the yoke.
DON PEDRO
Well, time will tell. Even the most savage bull is eventually domesticated.
210
BENEDICK
The savage bull may, but if ever the sensible Benedick bear
it, pluck off the bull’s horns and set them in my forehead,
and let me be vilely painted, and in such great letters as they
write “Here is good horse to hire” let them signify under my
sign “Here you may see Benedick the married man.”
BENEDICK
Maybe the bull is, but if I am ever domesticated, you can take that bull’s horns and put them right on my forehead, as my wife is sure to cuckold me soon enough. You might as well hang a big sign with enormous lettering around my neck. But instead of it saying “Horse for hire,” it will say “Take a look at Benedick, the married man.”
CLAUDIO
If this should ever happen, thou wouldst be horn-mad.
CLAUDIO
If that ever happened, you’d go absolutely mad.
DON PEDRO
Nay, if Cupid have not spent all his quiver in Venice, thou
wilt quake for this shortly.
DON PEDRO
Well, if Cupid hasn’t used up all his arrows in Venice, where the courtesans are famous for making men lovesick, he’ll get you to quiver and shake. Just you wait.
215
BENEDICK
I look for an earthquake too, then.
BENEDICK
That’s about as likely as an earthquake.
DON PEDRO
Well, you temporize with the hours. In the meantime, good
Signior Benedick, repair to Leonato’s. Commend me to
him and tell him I will not fail him at supper, for indeed he
hath made great preparation.
DON PEDRO
Oh, you’ll soften as time passes. While you’re waiting for that to happen, though, hurry to Leonato’s. Give him my respects, and tell him I’ll definitely be there for dinner, since I know he has gone to great lengths for this meal.
220
BENEDICK
I have almost matter enough in me for such an embassage,
and so I commit you—
BENEDICK
I think I can handle this mission. And so I commit you—
CLAUDIO
To the tuition of God. From my house, if I had it—
CLAUDIO
“Into God’s hands. From my house, if I had a house—”
DON PEDRO
The sixth of July. Your loving friend, Benedick.
DON PEDRO
“The sixth of July. Sincerely, your loving friend, Benedick.”
225
BENEDICK
Nay, mock not, mock not. The body of your discourse is
sometimes guarded with fragments and the guards are but
slightly basted on neither. Ere you flout old ends any
further, examine your conscience. And so I leave you.
BENEDICK
Oh, stop joking around. You know, sometimes you two dress up your conversation with flimsy little bits of wit that don’t hold together too well. Before you make fun of everyone else, look at yourselves in the mirror! And with that, I’m leaving.
Exit
He exits.
CLAUDIO
My liege, your highness now may do me good.
CLAUDIO
My lord, you could really help me out now.
230
DON PEDRO
My love is thine to teach. Teach it but how,
And thou shalt see how apt it is to learn
Any hard lesson that may do thee good.
DON PEDRO
I am at your service. Just tell me what you want me to do, and however hard it is, you’ll see that I’m eager to do it.
CLAUDIO
Hath Leonato any son, my lord?
CLAUDIO
Does Leonato have a son, my lord?
DON PEDRO
No child but Hero; she’s his only heir.
Dost thou affect her, Claudio?
DON PEDRO
Hero is his only child, and his only heir. Do you like her, Claudio?
235240
CLAUDIO
O, my lord,
When you went onward on this ended action,
I looked upon her with a soldier’s eye,
That liked but had a rougher task in hand
Than to drive liking to the name of love.
But now I am returned and that war thoughts
Have left their places vacant, in their rooms
Come thronging soft and delicate desires,
All prompting me how fair young Hero is,
Saying I liked her ere I went to wars.
CLAUDIO
Oh, my lord, when we left Messina to fight the war, I looked at Hero with the eyes of a soldier. I liked what I saw, but my mind was so occupied with the rough, violent task ahead of me that there was no chance that like would turn intolove. But now that I’m back, the room in my head that I used to fill with war plans has become crowded with soft and delicate feelings. They all lead me to the same thought—how beautiful young Hero is and how I must have liked her even before I left to fight.
DON PEDRO
Thou wilt be like a lover presently
And tire the hearer with a book of words.
If thou dost love fair Hero, cherish it,
And I will break with her and with her father,
And thou shalt have her. Was ’t not to this end
That thou began’st to twist so fine a story?
DON PEDRO
You will become a true lover soon, and exhaust your friends with your endless chatter about your feelings. Look, if you really love the beautiful Hero, enjoy it. I will speak to her and her father about the matter, and I’ll convince Leonato to promise Hero to you. Isn’t that the reason you told me all this?
250
CLAUDIO
How sweetly you do minister to love,
That know love’s grief by his complexion!
But lest my liking might too sudden seem,
I would have salved it with a longer treatise.
CLAUDIO
You can see that I’m sick with love, and you’re taking care of me in just the right way! But I didn’t want you to think that I’m hasty in my emotions. I was going to explain my feelings with a longer story.
255260265
DON PEDRO
What need the bridge much broader than the flood?
The fairest grant is the necessity.
Look what will serve is fit. 'Tis once, thou lovest,
And I will fit thee with the remedy.
I know we shall have reveling tonight.
I will assume thy part in some disguise
And tell fair Hero I am Claudio,
And in her bosom I’ll unclasp my heart
And take her hearing prisoner with the force
And strong encounter of my amorous tale.
Then after to her father will I break,
And the conclusion is, she shall be thine.
In practice let us put it presently.
DON PEDRO
Why speak longer than you have to? That’s like building a bridge wider than the river it crosses. Whatever gets the job done is best. You love Hero; that’s all I need to know to want to find a remedy. They’re going to have a costume party with dancing tonight. I’ll disguise myself as you and pour out “my” feelings to Hero, taking her prisoner with the force of my love story. Then I’ll talk to her father. And in the end, she’s yours! Let’s get started right away.
Exeunt
They exit.
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